No news

I decided to start this diary because I have to evacuate all that pressure I feel in my stomach. I’m pretty sure nobody will ever read this, i hope so i just want to write. I will not erase I will just write everything I have in mind everything I feel here and nobody will judge me, well of course if someone finds this then he or she will but i don’t give any fuck as i’m a total stranger for you. 

Today I feel very bad, I have 4 days to study before the final week and i can’t focus on anything else that the fact he is slowly going away from me. I feel so ridiculous typing this here i feel like someone is looking at me behind my back and making fun of me, if it’s the case then go the fuck out you creepy ghost i have enough ghosts and demons in my mind. 

Anyway, I think maybe this time he really wants to stop everything, i have tried so many things to make him “stay”, i’ve been patient, i’ve been nice, i’ve been caring, because I know what is happening inside of him somedays and how painful it can be. I know he’s a pessimist, I know he doesn’t believe we can be happy together and I thought I loved me anyway and I tried to fight for both of us, alone. 

But now things have changed, again, two days ago he was the most charming guy on earth and then he didn’t came back to me. “I’m not home tonight, sorry” and then only “i’m not home” what’s next? “I’m never coming home” and i fucking know he can do this.

I fear for him and also for me, and what scares me the most is that maybe, i’m the only one feeling this, maybe i’m not so important despite all the things he said, maybe i’m too naive and he gives 0 fuck about me, maybe i’m his “toy” a young brand new french toy to entertain him at night when he feels alone. 

Maybe he spent those two days with his girlfriend somewhere in his big city full of gorgeous women. 

No news, bad news.